Relationships: Family, Marriage, and Exit.
The problem with relationships is our expectation. We expect a human being to act and behave from a morally and rationally elevated position. This doesn’t happen in most relationships. Humans are slaves to their physical and intellectual habits. These habits tell them to act and speak in the manner they require.
Patterns of thinking are far stronger than patterns of lifestyle and are real human traits. Greed, selfishness, and betrayal with a smile, all are human traits. They do not disappear just because you are dealing with relatives. An act to disguise these motivations under an emotional cover is the ultimate human politics.
The Smallest Political Unit
This politics prevails in all walks of life at all times. This includes private institutions like family. Marriages also face this challenge. But marriage is the foundation of the family. The family is the smallest political unit. Societies that try to prove the contrary fail. The failure of marriages is often blamed on multiple factors. But this common view is wrong. There is just one factor. Selfishness.
Human nature is inherently selfish. Yet we expect the other person to be a model human being. All other factors contribute to this basic human nature.
Of course, individual habits can make a difference of heaven and hell in a relationship. And habits are the last things to change. We had discussed habits in Chapter 2.
Human traits essentially operate to feed the continuation of habits. This is why changing habits is a common formula for marriage counselors. And they are not entirely wrong. They just do not understand the nature of habits itself.
Successful Marriages
Parties to successful marriages are not debaters. Nor are they judges of their own marriage. They live through it. Their minds learn through experience what to do and what not to do. They do not speak the language of marriage counselors. But they know when to remain silent.
Silence is the key to any relationship. Speech is not. What about discussions, debate, and expectations? The more we expect from a marriage or a person, the worse it gets. Expectations are inherently unrealistic. Our habits make it difficult to deliver on expectations.
Marriage is essentially an institution. It may provide a few things. It may also cause some stress. One can deal with both. But the problem arises with the image of marriage. We expect a romantic fantasy forever. It never happened and it will not. The honeymoon exists for a purpose. That purpose is the realization that it is for a limited time and that time is over.
If you meet a couple in eternal romance, they are either great actors or they are overdoing it. In the case of the latter, the conviction will collapse sooner than expected.
Communication
Communication is often an illusion. Talk to a person and look at their facial expressions. The face tells everything. They are not listening. They pick a word here or there and respond superficially.
This became clear when observing early Large Language Models. AI simulates communication but does not understand structure. It decides on keywords. This is why it can flip a prompt completely. Its replies are generated by an algorithm, not from understanding.
This is the level at which human communication generally happens. Pick keywords and respond. That is what they do. Hence, communication remains an illusion. This doesn’t mean that communication is impossible. It means the capacity of communication is generally wasted.
Our devices have made communication even more difficult. Speech does not penetrate the web of thoughts.
Platonic versus Romantic Love
A platonic relationship is nothing but the absence of politics. A spontaneous interaction with a stranger looks sincere because neither participant is chasing a goal. They have no axe to grind. A relationship without motivation sounds sincere, even if it is brief. But go closer. You will discover the same web of politics for exploiting others.
Romantic blindness is amazing. If it happens during a hormonal storm, it is understandable. But it happens to mature adults too. Suddenly, the world goes blind. Anyone trying to get close becomes a villain. Romantic love is the complete suspension of observation. Habits, patterns, and politics, all pause. The curtain falls on everything seen before.
When romantic blindness happens to mature adults, it is striking. These are people who read rooms well and navigate politics. Suddenly, they see nothing. Worse, they defend their blindness. Anyone approaching with clarity becomes a threat. The loving friend or concerned relative becomes a villain. This is not passive ignorance. It is active, chosen unconsciousness.
Life by maturity is largely mechanical. Habits run the day. Crisis fills the gaps. Romantic blindness offers an exit from both. It is the one experience that feels entirely new. So the mature adult surrenders to it. They do so not despite experience, but because of it. They know the ride is an illusion. They choose not to believe it.
That is why romantic blindness in maturity is more total. And it is far costlier. Youth has time to recover. Maturity is already counting what remains. But not the adults.
Friendship and Its Politics
Friendship starts as liking of sorts. No biology compels it. No institution defines it. It starts as a platonic affection.
Friendship is the only relationship humans choose freely. Yet choice does not remove politics. It only delays it. Friends are selected on utility. This could be emotional, social, or financial. The utility is rarely admitted. It is dressed as affection. When utility shifts, friendship shifts quietly. Nobody declares the end. The interactions get reduced, and so are phone calls.
Marriage has divorce. Friendship has silence. The deepest friendships survive utility changes, but they are rare.
If marriages survive in silence, friendships survive through silence.
Exit and Loneliness
There are two exits from any relationship. These are physical departure and emotional withdrawal.
Physical departure is the honest exit. Emotional withdrawal is the more practiced solution. The body remains, but the person left long ago. Meals and beds are shared. Nothing else is. This is the most common condition of long relationships. It is a parallel existence. Staying when you have left is just another habit.
This relates to the problem of loneliness in the home1. Loneliness is not physical solitude. It is a distressing cognitive appraisal. We feel lonely when our relationships lack understanding, and we are not ready to accept its depth.
This pain drives people away from home. They seek external sensation to escape themselves. They start to prefer crowds. They fear the quiet of personal space because they fear their own thoughts.
The exit and the staying are both just patterns running their course.
Understanding is the only real relationship. Acceptance of understanding is a real relationship which a human can actually have. Rest are all illusions created by the mind.
In the Next chapter we shall discuss Children and Progenies.
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