The Token Money Diplomacy
A Property Dealer’s Guide to International Relations:
In Mumbai’s bustling property markets, Tappu bhai has perfected the art of customer management. It starts innocently enough.
“Sir, just give ₹5,000 token money,” he says, leaning back in his luxury revolving chair in his plush office. “Fully refundable registration fee to be adjusted in my brokerage! This shows you’re serious, and I’ll find you the perfect property.”
The customer pays. Within a week: “Sir, that property got sold to someone else. But I have something even better! Just ₹2,500 more for documentation fees.”
Another payment. Another week: “Small complication with the paperwork, sir. Another ₹3,000 for municipal clearance, then we’re completely done.”
By month three, the customer realizes an uncomfortable truth: they’re not buying property. They’re funding Tappu bhai’s chai, his phone bills, and probably his son’s wedding. One “small fee” at a time. Nobody expects promises to be kept, terms to remain unchanged, or principles to survive the next client meeting. Time to move to a better property dealer, possibly a scrupulous one.
The Oval Office Property Exchange
Somewhere in Washington, this business model has found new management.
Phase 1 – The Token:
“India, just remove all tariffs on American goods. Totally reciprocal! This shows you’re serious about our partnership.”
Phase 2 – The Documentation Fee:
“Excellent! Now about that Russian oil situation… that needs to stop. Buy our oil. It’s affecting our deal.”
Sir You had told us to buy Russian Oil. Mr. Garlic Chutney said it on TV. “Oh..I have to check for details. But you stop that.”
Phase 3 – The Clearance Fee:
“Actually, your IT companies are taking American jobs. We’ll need new restrictions.”
Phase 4 – The Processing Fee:
“Your defense deals with France? That’s problematic for our partnership. Buy American instead.”
Phase 5 – The Realization:
The customer—sorry, ally—discovers they’re not getting partnership. They’re funding someone else’s campaign promises, one concession at a time.
Professional Standards
The difference between Tappu bhai and his international counterpart? Professional reputation.
Last month, Tappu bhai was sharing a beer with a client when his maternal uncle dropped by. Offered a drink, the uncle declined: “In the middle of the day?”
“So what,” Tappu replied, “we’re drinking too.”
His uncle shrugged: “Why would you be concerned? You’re just a property dealer.” (In Punjabi he spoke: Twada ki hai, tusi te property dealer ho)
Even family members don’t expect moral consistency from property dealers. The job already comes with flexible standards for honesty, reliability — and whatever’s left of a conscience.
The tragedy isn’t that the Oval Office now operates like a property dealer. The tragedy is that it has earned the same reputation:
Naturally, we all understand that promises are made to be broken, terms are made to be rewritten, and principles are made to be sacrificed—usually by the next client meeting.
The Global Property Portfolio
Today’s diplomatic catalog reads like Tappu bhai’s listings:
- Same property, different pitch: American energy is “freedom fuel” to India, “job creator” to Texas, “strategic necessity” to Europe
- Artificial urgency: “Limited time offer” changes daily based on tweet schedule
- Moving goalposts: Yesterday’s handshake becomes today’s “renegotiation opportunity”
- Token fee psychology: Once you pay the first “small” concession, each subsequent demand feels reasonable
The only difference? Tappu bhai works from a 200-square-foot office. The new management has considerably more space.
Market Reputation
In property circles, everyone knows the rule: Once you pay token money, you’re committed to the cycle. The dealer won’t find you property—he’ll find you reasons to pay more.
In diplomatic circles, the same rule now applies. Pay the tariff-removal token, and discover it was just the entry fee. The real costs come later, itemized as “strategic partnership maintenance charges.”
Tappu bhai’s uncle had it right. When someone’s professional reputation precedes their promises, why be concerned about their principles?
The difference is that most property dealers can only damage individual bank accounts of clients. But politicians play with global payment systems like toys — crashing markets, sinking businesses, and stealing food from the mouths of the marginalised.
© 2025 – A satirical commentary on modern diplomatic practices
